Debate parody paradise

David Brooks plays funny man today with success (hat tip: The Hon. Judge Mac). Some good parts:

Debate, Declaim, Debacle

...

KERRY Bob, I'm glad you asked me that question, but before I dodge it I'd like to thank you for moderating this debate, I'd like to thank Arizona State University for being such wonderful hosts and I'd like to thank Dick Cheney's daughter for being a lesbian - in case anybody didn't know.

Bob, as you know, this nation is on the brink of an apocalyptic catastrophe. Civilization as we know it is hanging on by a thread. Our culture has collapsed, our economy is in tatters, the human spirit is extinguished, children never laugh, God is dead, and families like Dick Cheney's are ashamed of their daughters, one of whom is a lesbian. All of this is because of George Bush.

BUSH You need a plan. I know that. I'm president. I wake up every day looking for a plan. In fact, I supported Mitch McConnell's plan. But my opponent voted to raise taxes 1,500 gazillion bazillion times. He even voted for some of my budgets, which have created deficits as far as the eye can see! He's a liberal!

The first thing we need to do is cut back. I'm not going to have a flu shot this year. I'm not even going to take a Tylenol. I'm going to have a root canal right here on this stage without Novocain. But we also need to declare an international war on deficits.

I'm excited about 19-year-old girls in Afghanistan who are voting in favor of the line-item veto for the first time ever. I'm excited about the millions of Iraqis who have been liberated from Saddam's Hussein's trial lawyers and their frivolous lawsuits.

BUSH America, we've been through a lot together. Imagine how bad things would be if I'd made any mistakes. But we've come through it.

We haven't enforced the Dred Scott decision. And what about my timber company? Can you believe the networks? Oh, never mind. Do you want some wood? How late does this go, anyway? I'm losing it.

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KERRY Bob, it's true that I am married. She's my second wife, to be precise. Can't recall her name at the moment, but she's fully funded. And I've got two beautiful daughters. Heterosexuals, both of them.

I want to tell you about my family unit and what it means to me. We're in the 79th percentile in most demographic categories. Our compatibility fitness score is within the standard deviation for median households worldwide. ...

I found another good parody cruising around. I had almost the whole thing copied into this post; it's hilarious.

Debate Parody

BOB SCHIEFFER: Good evening from an auditorium that looks exactly like the last one we debated in. Just so you know which state we'll be hearing the candidates pander to, let me tell you we're in Arizona tonight. By the end of the night, you'll know how many people in Arizona have lost their jobs, lost their health care, and lost their hair since the 2000 election. Even though there are only a hundred people in the room, and most of them are related to one of the candidates. I'm Bob Schieffer of CBS News, and I'm very old.

I'll moderate our discussion under detailed rules agreed to by the candidates, including the temperature in here, which is a chilly 47 degrees. But John Kerry's from Massachusetts, so that's what he wanted. George Bush, in turn, asked for Tonka trucks in the Green Room. That request was granted. The questions have been chosen by me, one of my research assistants, or the producer talking to me through my earpiece. To refresh your memory on the procedure -- and mine -- I will ask a question. The candidate is allowed two minutes to answer. His opponent then has a minute and a half to offer a rebuttal. At my discretion, I can extend the discussion by offering each candidate an additional 30 seconds. A member of the audience can then speak for 7 seconds, a dog can bark for 3 seconds, I can give you 2 seconds to grab another beer from the fridge, and then we will flash a subliminal message on the screen for an eighth of a second. A green light will come on to signal the candidate has 30 seconds left. A yellow light signals 15 seconds left. A red light means five seconds left. A purple light means we're at a 4th grade science fair growing plants. A black light means we're at a rave. A flashlight means we've had a blackout. There are also buzzers, horns, sirens, cans of mace, bottles of silly string, and freshly squeezed lemonade, if they are needed.

The candidates may not question each other directly. Because "debate" doesn't really mean anything. There are no opening statements, but there will be two-minute closing statements. There is an audience here tonight, but they have agreed to remain silent, which makes them pretty near useless. Except for right now, when they will clap on command like the monkeys they are. (Applause)

Gentleman, welcome to you both. By coin toss, the Bills will do the kickoff. Uh, I mean the first question goes to Senator Kerry. Senator, I want to set the stage for this discussion first by asking the question that I think is probably on the minds of many people watching this debate tonight. Are the Yankees still winning the game?

SEN. KERRY: Yes, Bob. I believe they are.

PRES. BUSH: They are winning the war against Terry. Terry Francona, the manager of the Red Sox.

...

BUSH: We are safe. Let me compare us to Afghanistan, the country we all think of first when we think of safety. They had elections there. We have elections here. The first person who voted was a 19-year-old woman. Then she was shot.

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KERRY: The President had an opportunity to kill Osama Bin Laden, and he outsourced the job to Tony Soprano, who did not do it. The President said he didn't know where Osama Bin Laden was, he wasn't answering his e-mails, but he said he wasn't concerned.

BUSH: I don't think I ever said I wasn't concerned about Osama Bin Laden. Of course I'm concerned about Osama Bin Laden. He has my West Wing DVD set. This is one of Senator Kerry's exaggerations. Like when he said he was taller than me. He says it's about intelligence. It's not about intelligence. Not with me in the Oval Office.

SCHIEFFER: To jump from homeland security to something that couldn't involve a more awkward transition, I'd like to ask you about the flu vaccine. I mean specifically, since I'm old, I'd like a flu vaccine. Can I get one?

BUSH: Yes, I think you can, Bob. We should be saving them for the young, and the old. If you're neither young nor old, don't get a flu shot this year. I haven't got a flu shot and don't intend to, because I'm only the President, so what's the difference if I get the flu.

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BUSH: A plan is not a litany of complaints. Litany. That's a real word, right? Did I make that up? Senator Kerry just said he wants everybody to be able to buy in to the same health plan that senators and congressmen get. Are senators and congressmen all that healthy? Max Cleland is missing some limbs. Do we want Americans to be missing limbs? Bob Dole has a shriveled arm. Do you want a shriveled arm? Strom Thurmond is dead. Do you want to die? If every family in America signed up for the senator's plan, it would cost us $5 gazillion over 10 years. It's an empty promise.

KERRY: Actually, it's not an empty promise. Here's an empty promise: we'll all live on the moon in 10 years. Promise. Look, seniors ought to have choice. In the Senate, we have choice. I chose Blue Cross / Blue Shield. And for mentioning them in this debate, they gave me a hat.

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BUSH: There you go again, Mr. Senator. In his last litany of misstatements -- there's my new word again! Litany! Senator Kerry said we cut Pell Grants. That's a fact. We've increased Pell Grants by a million students. That's a lie. Oops, I mean the other way around.

KERRY: You know why the Pell grants have gone up in their numbers? No? Me neither. Crap.

...

KERRY: Bob, anybody can play with these votes. Everybody knows that. So, despite the fact that he's right, and I can't deny it, let's pretend I just did. Look, I voted for a tax cut once. Back in 1942. You were there, Bob. And, finally, to start the requisite war of the bipartisan name dropping, let me mention I once shook hands with Ronald Reagan.

BUSH: Oh yeah? Well, Ted Kennedy voted for No Child Left Behind. Because he wants to eat them all. Senator, there's a mainstream in America, and a main stream that runs outside my ranch in Crawford. It's very nice. In American politics, you're on the Left Bank. And I'm on the West Bank. Your record is such that Ted Kennedy is the conservative senator from Massachusetts. And the fattest. And, incidentally, if Ted Kennedy's a conservative, that would make me a fascist.

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SCHIEFFER: Well, gentlemen, that brings us to the closing statements. Senator Kerry, I believe you're first.

KERRY: Nah, I think I'll skip this one.

BUSH: Yeah, me too. I'm getting pretty sleepy.

SCHIEFFER: Works for me. Yankees are still playing, so you all may want to check that out, since it's not like any of the pundits are going to have anything useful to say. Oh well. From all of us here in Arizona, I'll see you 4 years from now, when I'm a hundred and twelve.